Tuesday, 12 October 2010

Dear Tesco...

Dear Tesco,

Thank you for your lovely brochure, depicting your plans to build a BEHEMOTH TESCO MONSTROSITY within 200 yards of my office.

I don't want it. I won't use it. You already have two other BEHEMOTH TESCO MONSTROSITIES within a 3-mile radius - you don't fucking need another one. There are also several BEHEMOTH ASDA, ALDI & LIDL MONSTROSITIES within 10 minutes' drive, so I think Long Eaton and the surrounding area are quite nicely served by supermarkets already. In fact, given that the Lidl is actually NEXT DOOR to your proposed site, as well as a Co-Op just across the road, I fail to see the community's urgent need for the aforementioned BEHEMOTH MONSTROSITY.

Although you will be using a derelict site for this, I fail to see how this will 'build a safer community'. It will build a GIANT SUPERSTORE on my fucking doorstep. I look forward to the canal towpath being strewn with Tesco carrier bags. NOTE THE SARCASM, DIPSHITS. I am also sure that the residents across the canal will absolutely LOVE to have your wonderful store visible from their bedroom windows. AGAIN, NOTE SARCASM. I also note that your superstore will provide direct access to the canal towpath. WONDERFUL. I also look forward to the STOLEN TROLLEYS in the canal. YOU FUCKING GENIUSES.

Finally, we come to the subject of market share. YOU'VE GOT ENOUGH. I admire your rise to prominence, and I feel happy for your shareholders, as I am sure they are happy with you. But I do believe in a free and competitive market, and part of that is ensuring that one company does not dominate. THREE FUCKING GIANT SUPERMARKETS in a 3-mile radius is rather a little too much, don't you think? Especially in an area without a hugely active local economy. The last thing we need is more profit-taking.

So kindly take this leaflet, and SHOVE IT UP YOUR DARK ONE.

Love and kisses,

James Dennis