Thursday, 6 January 2011

For the Avoidance of Doubt

Guido has noticed Ed Miliband's accusation of the Tories misleading the electorate on the deficit, claiming that it was the worldwide recession which caused the deficit to widen due to a collapse of tax revenues. Guido also helpfully pointed out that the Labour Government was spending more than it received in tax revenues in every year since 2002, and that borrowing has steadily increased since then.

In other words, Ed Miliband is a fucking liar.

Let's just get this straight, shall we? Imagine the country is a person. Tax revenues are salary, public spending is household bills, public borrowing is money spent on credit cards, and the national debt is the total amount on credit cards.

Mr UK, in 1997, had it made. He had a good income, and moderate household bills. So he started to live the high life a bit. He started playing golf, bought a few widescreen TVs and went out to restaurants every night. He had a jolly good laugh.

Pretty soon, he realised that he had more actually going out of his bank account every month than he did going in. Well, you only live once, don't you? So he started putting the difference on credit cards. He could always transfer them and pay them off later, you see, and it wasn't costing him that much.

Than, in 2008, he lost his job, and had to start working at Tescos part time. What would a normal person do at this point? Well, probably cut down on stuff. Cancel that golf club subscription. Start eating at home instead of going out every night. Downgrade to a cheaper version of Sky TV. Start buying Smart Price beans. That kind of thing.

Not Mr UK. He decided he'd just carry on loading money on credit cards, and pretending as if nothing had happened. But oddly enough, given that he couldn't fund his lifestyle on his previous job, he found that funding it on his new one was totally impossible.

Finally, redemption. Mr UK's Dad stepped in, and told him to pull his fucking finger out of his arse. He explained that if Mr UK kept on spending money like it was going out of fashion, pretty soon, the credit card companies would stop lending to him. And then he'd be royally screwed, paying extortionate interest rates with no way of improving his situation. There's only one thing to do, says his Dad.

His Dad started going through the Direct Debits, and cancelling the ones Mr UK doesn't need. Bye bye, golf club. Bye bye, fancy restaurants. Bye bye, book club. Mr UK had a big cry, partly because he realised that life was going to be considerably tougher than it had been, and partly because he realised he'd been a complete jackass for getting himself into this situation in the first place. And although he desperately wanted his old life back again, he realised deep down that he'd been living a lie, and that if he'd carried on with it, he'd have wound up in serious trouble.

Life became a bit grim for Mr UK - he had to eat Smart Price beans, and learn to cook himself. But guess what? After he'd got his finances back on an even keel, he managed to get promoted. He became a manager at Tescos, and his salary went up. This time, he didn't blow the money - he used it to clear his credit card debts. Then he started saving, so that if he lost his job in the future, he wouldn't wind up getting himself into debt again.

Mr UK lived a long and happy life, never got into trouble with money again, and learned some valuable life skills. Like how to get by on beans on toast, and that he didn't really like golf after all.

Sound fucking familiar?

So, Mr Ed 'it-was-the-world-recession' Miliband, grow the fuck up. Yes, the recession had an impact, but let's not pretend that was the primary reason. The primary reason was that you, your one-eyed, brain-dead, mouth-breathing Jock master and all the other useless cunts that you colloquially refer to as the 'Shadow Cabinet', fucked our finances up. Deal with it. You twat.

PS. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I'm back.