Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Insurance Companies

Dear Insurance Company,

I am writing to you to let you know that your online protection system, for processing applications, is utterly and contemptibly shite. I have never, in my long years of experience in the financial services industry, come across such a website so completely festooned with wank.

I hereby enumerate the reasons why it is so fucking atrocious:

  1. It is ONLY compatible with Microsoft Internet Explorer. What, are you living in the fucking Dark Ages? Internet Explorer is no longer the only web browser on the planet. It isn't even the most popular one. For fuck's sake, design a website that works with at least Chrome and Firefox. That's just bloody lazy;
  2. It is s... t... u... p... e... n... d... o... u... s... l... y... s... l... o... w. I don't actually want to wait about 30 seconds between pages when I've got about 30-odd to go through. It means a job that should take about half an hour gets stretched out to about an hour and a half. I have better things to do with my time than to stare at your cool, refreshing logo in neutral colours which attempts to calm my mood. IT DOESN'T WORK, I'M FUCKING ANGRY. FIX YOUR BLOODY WEBSITE;
  3. It's unreliable. It continually crashes, pushing me out of the application I am submitting, forcing me to close the WHOLE BROWSER, log in again, find the application and try to resume it, where it has forgotten the changes that I made, despite me clicking on the 'Save & Continue' button. This makes me want to hit your IT Manager in the face. With a brick.
You are a multi-million pound company, employing thousands of people across the country, and I am attempting to introduce business to you which will make you EVEN RICHER. Your half-baked, cretinous website is a direct obstacle to that aim. I can therefore only conclude that you are effectively closed to new business, and will submit the application someone else, UNLESS YOU FUCKING SORT IT RIGHT NOW.

It's not pissing rocket science, you globules of dried smeg. I designed better systems when I was at UNIVERSITY, using fucking NOTEPAD as a PHI editor. Hurry the FUCK UP and get it fixed.

Love and kisses,