Thursday, 26 March 2015

The Queen's in Charge

Shit's goin' down
Later today, Parliament will be prorogued - effectively dismissed by Royal Commissioners on behalf of Her Majesty the Queen, pending a General Election. Parliament, not being a permanent, statutory body, but one which is convened on a temporary basis, will therefore, in effect, cease to exist, until the formal State Opening after the election. Its sovereign authority, in effect, reverts to the Crown. In theory, the Queen could rule by decree, at least until the next State Opening.

So, here's the things she should decree, with tongue firmly in cheek:
  1. Withdraw from the EU. No referendum needed - Queenie says so. Getting sick of all this Brussels nonsense - I much prefer broccoli anyway LOL
  2. Disband the SNP and arrest its senior members for treason. 'Off to the Tower with you, Salmond!' Mainly just to wipe the smug smile off his face for a few weeks
  3. Make Prince Philip Foreign Secretary and Special Ambassador to Africa and the Colonies. Just for the fucking LOLZ
  4. Buy back Ireland. Not sure how it got misplaced in the first place, to be honest - something to do with potatoes and William III? Cromwell? Anyway, it won't cost much
  5. Income Tax was introduced to fund war with France. We are not at war with France. Flip a coin between abolishing Income Tax and declaring war on France
  6. Appoint Nick Clegg as Chief Bitch to the Cabinet Office. More reflective of his actual duties, one feels
  7. Convert the Palace of Westminster into a nightclub. Let's face it, the Commons is normally filled with a bunch of drunk twats braying at each other, so it should be done properly
  8. Send Ed Miliband back to Lancashire - that poor dog of his must be missing him. And those robotic trousers. Plus, reports of Wensleydale piling up are most disconcerting
  9. Buy back America. This might require mortgaging all of London. See if we can get a discount if we promise to make Kate & Will Viceroys or something
  10. Deport Russell Brand, preferably to somewhere cold, isolated, and very, very remote. Mars ought to do nicely. Strap him to one of those American rockets we've just bought back

Any other ideas? :-)